The One I Loved: From the Diary of Hermione G
by weretosia-87
Summary: A story of love told from two points. From the one who falls in love and live's happily ever after, and from Sirius' the one whose life and soul is torn appart because of it.
1. Love's wings

**__**

The one I loved: from the diary of Hermione Granger

by: Weretosia-87

Spoilers: books 1-4

disclaimer: I do not own any of the HP merchandise, J.K Rowling does.

Summary: Hermione finds her old diary and reads a passage from it in which she is depressed because the one she loves rejected her, so she decides to end her pain through death. However, before she can do so she gets advise from the least person she expected. Severus Snape.

Rating pg-13

pairing: hinted S/H

(A/N: words than are left aligned and regular type is what is happening present day. Words italisized and right aligned are words from her diary, and words centered and regular is what happened in the past.)

(Hermione's POV) (Date: December 24th, 2002)

****

I frowned at my bookshelf, the dust seemed to cover every inch of it. Well, there was only one thing to do, dust it off. Now, I do this a lot, dusting books, sorting them, and just about everything else associated with books since I'm the new Hogwarts librarian. The books intrigue me really. Learning something new, seeing things I would never have been able to see before.

I smiled at some of the fifth years as they walked in looking for, from what I heard, a book to help them with that Bastard Snape's essay. I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't believe he was still teaching either! All that fussing about idiotic and incompetent children, you'd think he would quit. Personally I think he enjoys teaching. Although he wouldn't admit it under the most extreme torture.

"Is there something specific you're looking for?" I asked seeming as how lost they looked.

"Um, yeah. A book on the amorphous potion." Katrina, the fifth year Ravenclaw, replied.

"Yes, I do believe I have something that'll help you." I smiled as I reached under my desk and pulled out one of my books, "Amorphous, how to and what it is. This should help."

"Thanks, Madam Granger!" The two smiled as they walked out.

I leaned back into my chair and smiled, I still hadn't quite gotten used to that. Madam Granger, well it did have a nice ring. 

I shrugged it off and pulled the book I had been looking at earlier, my diary from school. It had been ages since I read it last. Or even wrote in it. So, I was now.

I flipped to the middle where I had my bookmark and continued.

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December 23rd, 1996

Dear Diary,

This is the day! I am going to tell Ron my feelings. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I don't know how I'll do it, but I will! Just you watch. I just hope he feels the same way about me...

December 24th, 1996

I told him, he laughed in my face... 

***

(a/n: date: December 24th, 1996) 

I couldn't believe I had been so careless. So bloody stupid! How could I not know he didn't like me in that way... He could have just said he didn't like me but no, he had to laugh in my face as if it were some kind of joke. I feel as if my heart was ripped out.

It's amazing really, how cold and upset one can be on Christmas day. I can't even tell if the snow is white, to me everything looks gray, gray, cold, and foreboding. I feel so empty, lost, and utterly alone. No one cares, mother had another baby, one she hopes will not have the 'freak gene' I have and will be normal. Harry is with his Godfather in Hawaii, Ron, Ron is with his new girlfriend.

I stopped by the lake. I take a deep breath and prepare to through myself in. Death would be better than this emptiness and pain. 

But, before I had a chance I hear a voice behind me, belonging to none other than Severus Snape.

"What may I ask are you doing out here?" he demanded an irritated edge to his voice.

"Nothing!" I lied.

He looked at me, then to the lake and realization dawned upon his cold face.

"It must have been a very unpleasant year, if you are about to jump in and drown yourself." 

"I was not!" I muttered looking away.

"If I do say so, it is a bit cold for a dip." he retorted.

I couldn't look at him, nor reply.

"Let me tell you something miss Granger." he paused and looked at me, and strangely, an almost sympathetic look came over him, "Inside it is utterly cold out here." he offered me his hand, which I hesitantly took.

We walked in silence to the dungeons, not a erie silence, but a calm one. He opened the door to his quarters and ushered me in. He motioned towards one of two large black velvet chairs. Oddly, it was actually comfortable.

"Would you like some hot coco miss Granger?" he asked.

I nodded numbly, on all other occasions I would have been suspicious of food poison but not now, I was too numb to care. He returned shortly after with two steaming mugs of hot coco. He handed one to me and sat in the chair across from myself and sipped the other.

After a moment of silence I spoke, "I didn't now you like hot coco professor Snape." 

"I do enjoy the taste of muggle drinks, especially coco and occasionally whiskey, on cold bitter nights such as this." he replied.

I nodded.

"Miss Granger, I do believe I know why you were going to drawn yourself." he said suddenly, "That, Ron boy, he rejected you, the rest of your friends are gone, and you feel like you have been replaced at home. Correct?"

I nodded, he hit it right on the dot. "How-"

"How did I know?" he asked cocking an eyebrow. "Because I felt the same way when I was your age. The one person I cared for rejected me, my parents ignored me, and my so called friends abandoned me every chance they got. I was alone."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you know why I joined the death eaters?" he asked, I shook my head, "Because I was alone and causing others pain seemed to numb it, as did my own attempts at self mutilation. But, I was wrong. The pain only increased, I couldn't escape it. I knew what I had to do. I went to Dumbledore, crawled back to the side of good to help others instead of killing them." he paused and looked at me thoughtfully, "You yourself miss Granger are on the road parallel to the one I had taken as a lad. You may not know it, but you are. And death does not take away the pain."

I could feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, "Why are you telling me this?" I whispered.

"Because you are a wonderful person Hermione, I do not wish to see you take the same path I took." He took my hand then, "I don't want to lose you to the dark side too." he let go of my hand and leaned back into his chair. "I may not show it, but I admire your intelligence. You are the smartest witch I have ever known, and are capable of great things. If only you give yourself the chance." 

He looked up at his clock and turned back to me, "Curfew was three hours ago, you should return to your dorm." 

I nodded and headed for the door.

"And ten points from Gryffindor, I don't want you out this late again." he added.

I smiled to myself and left.

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***

... he may not know it, but he saved more than my life that day, he saved my soul. It's amazing, how you can fall in love with someone you used to despise.

Hermione Granger

I closed the book and smiled. Yes, it is amazing how love sneaks up on you. I think it's time that I told that old bat how I felt, for you never know what kind of fast ball life will throw at you.

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December 24th, 2003

Its amazing really, how you never would of thought that they loved you until you admit to them that you love them and they tell you the same. Isn't love magical? Wedding bells have rung, and now I live happily at Hogwarts with my one true love. Severus Snape.

I close my diary and set it onto the end table next to my chair and smiled as I watched Severus go on and on about incompetent children. Honestly, will some things ever change?


	2. Sirius' Tears

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The one I loved: from the diary of Hermione Granger

Chapter two: Sirius' tears

by: Weretosia-87

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

spoilers: all or none.

pairing: Snape/Hermione

a/n: this is not like the first chapter, this is sad. This chapter is from Sirius' journal.

(Setting: Present day)

I looked around my small living room, intent on finding my keys. Out of all the things muggles invented, the motorcycle had to be my favorite. Finally, I spotted them on the end table and snatched them up.

Then, I spotted something else on the end table. My old journal. I smiled to myself as I picked it up, it was one of the only things those ministry bastards had let me take into Azkaban. One of the only things that kept me sane honestly.

I smiled to myself as I read:

__

January 24th, 1988

My name is Sirius Black. I can never forget that, no matter how much I want to. I am Sirius Black. I am Sirius Black, I am innocent. I am Sirius Black... I have to remember that so when, or if, I get out of here I can find that rat Peter and do the crime I was sent here for...

I closed the book and shuttered for a moment. Then continued.

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December 24th, 1988

Who am I? I can't even remember that any more. Why was I sent to this God forsaken place? I look back onto previous pages and read: I am Sirius Black. Yes, it's coming back now. The rat... But, what good will remembering do if there is nothing I can do to save myself...

I tried to hold back the violent shudders that were threatening to take over my body. I succeeded somehow.

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December 31st, 1993

I have been out for a few months now, and have found my way to Hogwarts. I have finally found Harry. What disturbs me most is that the rat is sleeping in the same room as him, and he doesn't even know it...

Then there's Hermione...

(December 31st, 1993)

In dog form I sulked around the edge of the forest, waiting to find out something new from my fellow creature, Crookshanks. He was a good fellow, as far as cats go. I noticed lately, however, that Crookshanks seemed preoccupied with his owner, Purr-Mione, as he called her. Or, Hermione as the students called her. I had gathered that she had been suspicious of the broom I sent Harry, and had told McGonnagal. It was good of her to do it really. Only concerned for the welfare of her best friends. That wasn't how they had seen it however.

I shook the thought from my mind as I saw someone exit the castle. It was that Hermione girl. She didn't look in a good way at all. The problems with her friends seemed to be taking quite a toll on her. She walked over to the road leading out of Hogwarts and followed it. I don't know why, but I followed her as well.

After a good half hours walk, she turned off the road and walked towards a bench under an old oak tree. She sat down onto it rather heavily and sighed sadly as she shook her head. I slowly walked over to her, curious to find out what it was about her that Crookshanks was always going on about.

She gave quite a start when she saw me, naturally. Then, oddly, she smiled. "So you're what all of the Grim nonsense is about?"

I couldn't help but smile to myself as she scratched my ear.

"Honestly," she went on, "You aren't that scary."

I barked in reply.

She smiled slightly then turned back and gazed into the small creek which ran through the area. I had many good memories of that creek...

"All I wanted to do was have the dumb thing checked..." she muttered as she got up and walked away. "I hope Harry does good in his Quidditch game..."

I watched her go in amazement, even after the way they had treated her she still managed to forgive them. It was then that he realized what Crookshanks was always going on about. I also realized...

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(journal)

that I had fallen in love with Hermione Granger...

I felt tears in my eyes as I sat down and reread the last line over and over again. It was true, I had fallen in love with her... and I was still in love with her. Perhaps that was the reason I hadn't gone to her and Snape's wedding. I was still in love with that innocent angel. Even after all of the things he had put her through, after all of the evil, malicious things he had said about her, after everything, Snape still got her. That Bastard.

Then I was pulled out of my self-pity as the door bell rang. I glanced up and yelled, "Come in." rather flatly.

Hermione pushed the door in and walked inside, looking rather hurt, "Sirius, we missed you at the wedding, why didn't you come?"

I felt a tremendous dagger of guilt stab my heart as I looked into her hurt eyes. "I had... business... I needed to take care of out of town." I replied feeling even worse than before.

She frowned at me and asked, "You don't approve of me marring Severus do you?"

I felt as if my heart had been pulled out_, 'Do I approve of the only one I love getting married to the awful Bastard Snape? Oh, sure of course, and I'm packing my bags and going back to Azkaban freely too.' _I thought bitterly. Then it dawned on me how selfish I was being. I sighed and replied, "I approve of anything that makes you happy Mione."

"Honestly?"

"Yes." I smiled.

"Good!" Hermione said, "Well, I have to get going, see you around Sirius!" she smiled as she walked out of my life forever. 

I shook my head sadly and thought to myself, _'No Hermione... You won't see me around. But, you'll always be in my dreams, and in my heart.' _I hadn't told anyone about my decision to move to America, but I'll send Harry an owl once I get settled in. All I know is that I can't stand being here any longer, who knows, maybe this'll be good for me. I smiled to myself as I grabbed my keys and my bag, I looked around me once more at the life I was leaving behind.

Is it really such a bad thing that I'm leaving though. I have nothing here, I can't take care of Harry since I'm still on the run from the ministry. The rat was never caught... Alive at least. The last thing I did have is now married to Snape.

I looked out the open window at the full moon that was rising into the dark sky. The day has ended, so has my life here. A new day begins tomorrow, looks like I'll have a new life to go with it.

I jumped on my motorcycle and without a look back, left my life behind, forever. A new life, a new day, and new tears were already on their way.


End file.
